FUNMI: Can You Blame Me?

I lay on Lola’s bed and stared up at the ceiling with my mind racing and my thoughts scattered all over the place. I turned to check the time on the wall clock, it had been thirty minutes since we got back from the hospital and she had still not come up. I shocked myself; I didn’t even know I had been timing them. Lola and Wole just irritated me as I watched them. I couldn’t bear it. I knew I was being a right cow acting up because my friend and her boyfriend were snuggling up to each other but remember the guy was supposed to be mine from the onset. After all, I saw him first and he noticed me first before Lola snatched him.

Another part of me said I was totally wrong. Did she actually snatch him? Life is tough, the guy preferred her to me, case closed. ‘Funmi, you need to get a grip and stop making such a fool of yourself and being a horrible friend’, I scolded myself as I lay on Lola’s bed facing up with my shoes still on my feet dangling from the edge of the bed. I was so tired, maybe that was my reason for being so unreasonable. ‘Funmi never lets anything get between her and her friends’, I said to myself again.

What was taking them so long? I got off the bed on impulse to check on them through the window and I saw them kissing. Maureen is in the hospital in a terrible state and all Lola could do was kiss her boyfriend. Anger welled up within me, mixed with jealousy, it was a terrible combination. I made myself lie back down, this time rolling over on my stomach, I tried to calm myself and be the sensible me.

The door opened and Lola came in, I pretended I didn’t hear her till she called my name. I spoke to her coldly. Everything was a blur from there, I remember packing my things hurriedly and leaving her apartment. Later, on my way home I had a chance to think. My action was uncalled for and even if Maureen was dying, I think the living had the right to live. I quickly whispered a prayer. “Dear God, please keep Maureen alive, give us a miracle, we can’t afford to lose her. God please, don’t let her parents weep over her”.

I fished out my keys as I alighted from the cab. My conscience felt so heavy. I had just gone against my rule never to allow anything come between my girls and I. Hmmmph, man issues! I threw my bag on the couch and peeped to see if my flatmate was home. She was sleeping. I had sent her a text when we left the bar, letting her know about Maureen and telling her to pray along if she could. I found a note from her on the coffee table.

Funmi darling, I hope your friend Maureen is feeling better now. I’ve had you all on my mind. If there’s anything I can do to help, please let me know. My heart really goes out to you ladies. I hope you’re hungry, I made something. Marta. xxx.

Bless her darling soul! She even made me dinner! I went to the kitchen to see what she made. Pasta with shrimp sauce. The kitchen smelled so good and as I lifted the lid, the aroma filled the kitchen. Damn! I thought I could cook! The kitchen was a bit messy though. Plates were in the sink and a few bowls were lying on the work surface. ‘I can forgive that’. I said and smiled as I left the kitchen

I heaped some of the food on a plate and took my favorite seat in the living room, lost in thought. I needed to make up with Lola as soon as possible. My phone was right beside me; I could send her a text or call her if she would pick up. Five text messages! A flip through the texts confirmed they were all from Ebuka. Oh dear! I’ve gotten text messages from him in the last two days and I really am not sure what to say to him. All week, once my phone beeped, I was almost sure it was a text from him. Do I want a blast from the past now? What could he want to talk to me about? He was doing so much pleading already and although thoughts of him still make me feel weak, I really don’t know if I want him back in my life. With a firm resolve, I put the phone back in my bag. It would be better to talk to Lola in person. And Ebuka, I could deal with later, once Maureen is out of the woods. I just finished accusing Lola of “man-wrapping”; I must not be caught doing the same.

I focused on the food and tried to savour the taste. I was eating yesterday’s dinner as brunch. Who cared? Could I take Ebuka back? What would our lives together be like again? Was he still tied to mummy’s apron strings? Or had he broken free? Maybe no other girl would have him with his ‘mummy this, mummy that’ attitude.

‘Nonsense!’ I said out loud. He should not think he would walk back into my life just like that. I imagined his tall frame kneeling before me, groveling and begging me to take him back. I would let him go on for several minutes and then leave him there while I hissed and walked away. Who was I kidding? I couldn’t possibly do that. Damn it! I’m too soft. I like Wole but he’s out of my grasp. Listening to Ebuka was starting to sound like a good idea.

Did I not just say I was going to deal with Ebuka later? Ebuka, damn you! Damn you for creeping back into my world and unsettling it. I turned my attention back to my food. Even if he was thinking of me, I should not be pining for him. No! It looks like I’ve been cursed with loving too much. I wished I could hold back some of me and not give all. I brought out my phone and read his texts messages over and over. The last one was my undoing.

Funmi, please tell me to call. I won’t if you don’t but I am in such a terrible state.

Oh God! Maybe he was dying and needed my help. Was he in danger while I sat here plotting how to pay him back?

‘Oh Funmilola, get a grip!’ I said to myself irritatingly and hissed. I turned to the mirror in the corner and looked at myself sternly.

‘Get a grip!’ I repeated.

I moped around the hours for what seemed like forever. I even tried reading a book; I picked up my phone about a hundred times to call Lola. The thing about me is I could never rest or have peace of mind if I was not at peace with someone dear to me or anyone for that matter. I read a number of pages on my book but did not remember a word.

The wall clock told me I had an hour left but maybe I could be of some help to Maureen’s parents back at the hospital. They might need to send someone on some errands. I picked up my plate and noticed Marta’s room open. She smiled at me as our eyes met.

‘Is Maureen better now?’ She said with her thick Polish accent.

I shook my head as a tear escaped from my right eye.

“We need a miracle”

‘Oh!’ she sighed. ‘Miracles do happen and I hope we get one for your friend’

Marta walked up to me, and without asking, she folded me in an embrace. Her body felt warm against mine, she has more flesh on her than the rest of us.

‘Funmi, I really hope your friend gets better’.

I put my head on her shoulder and allowed myself to cry. I didn’t know how much I needed this and hearing my own sobs surprised me. Marta patted me on the back gently and whispered to me like a baby.

‘Shhh. It’s going to be alright. You’ll be fine’

She dragged me to a seat and made me sit beside her. Without thinking, I blurted.

‘And I did something terrible’

She nodded and encouraged me to go on and without hesitation; I narrated my drama with Lola. She never for once interrupted. When I finished, she patted my arm.

‘You’re only human Funmi. I’ve seen how strong you try to be for everyone and you need to give yourself some credit and at the same time know you can’t always be perfect. Okay?’ She said in a stern voice and like a child being scolded, I nodded.

‘But I agree you owe her an apology, so go on and do what you have to do and stop beating yourself up about it’.

‘You’re the best’. I said as I hugged her and said my goodbyes. It was time to go back to the hospital.

‘Dear God, please keep Maureen alive for us. If you do this for me, I promise, I’ll never be jealous of Lola and Wole again. I’ll even support their relationship. Just please let Maureen pull through’. I don’t remember how many times I prayed this prayer but I kept repeating it over and over in my head till I got to the hospital.

I looked around for my friends and it was obvious I was the first to arrive back at the hospital. They did say visiting time started at six pm and as I checked my watch, there were fifteen minutes left. I walked up to the nurse that attended to us earlier to ask about Maureen. She smiled at me as I approached her.

‘Hello’

‘Hello. How’s my friend doing?’

The nurse pursed her lip and looked into my eyes.

‘You want the truth?’

‘Yes please’

‘It’s not good news. Her situation is very grave and not many people survive this degree of morbidity.’

It was like being dealt a blow and I had to control the sob that escaped from my throat. It was the wrong time to break down. I thanked the nurse and walked towards Maureen’s parents who were seated in a corner. Her dad draped his arms around her mum’s shoulders obviously trying to console her but looking frustrated. As I got closer, I noticed Maureen’s mum was weeping uncontrollably. It felt awkward walking up to them. I felt like I was interrupting a private moment. It was their grief, and they needed to share it privately. I stood at a distance. Maureen’s dad saw me and motioned for me to join them.

I walked up to them quietly and he got up.

‘Please see if you can get her to stop crying’, he whispered to me as he signaled that he needed to make calls.

I took the seat he vacated and Maureen’s mum turned to me.

‘Thank you for being here’, she croaked.

I nodded stiffly; it felt awkward to respond with the typical ‘you’re welcome’ answer.

She grabbed my hand and held on to it strongly as if holding on for dear life.

‘It will be alright ma.’ I managed to say while swallowing tears that were threatening to rise to the surface.

‘You girls have been like the siblings she never had. I don’t know what I’d do if we lose her’. She let out a sob and almost choked on it.

I rubbed her hand some more, waiting for a pause before I could talk. Her eyes were so swollen and red.

‘Please don’t say that ma, everything will be just fine. God will give us a miracle’.

‘Amen.’ She said through her tears. ‘It will take a big miracle though because the doctors are not giving us any hope’. She sighed at this point and kept quiet still holding on to my hand. I rubbed her hand, trying to give her some comfort.

I had no words. How do you tell a woman whose daughter seems to be dying to stop crying? I just kept rubbing her hand.

She withdrew her hand gently, got up and wiped her face.

‘I’ll be back soon. I want to use the restroom’

‘Ok, do you want me to come with you ma?’

‘No don’t worry I’ll be fine.’ She sniffed, wiping her face with her right palm.

My heart went out to her and I watched her back retreat. I let out a huge sigh and allowed the tears to drop then. I wished we had a premonition and we didn’t go out. It seemed like it was ages ago.

Temmy and Titi came in at that point. I rose up quickly and went to join them.

‘How’s she?’ Titi asked me anxiously?

I shook my head.

‘Oh dear God!’ They chorused.

Temmy seemed to remember something.

‘Didn’t you and Lola leave together?’ She looked around. ‘Where’s she?’

I sighed.

‘What now?’ Temmy questioned.

‘We had an argument and I left her place’.

Titi gave a hollow laugh.

‘Trust us to always have drama. We’re full of it’.

‘The nurse won’t say anything committal but what I can gather is that her situation has not improved and her mum has been in tears since I got here’. I changed the subject to the most important issue. We could deal with Lola and me later.

‘I’m going to call Lola and find out where she is. We all need to be here’. Temmy said and walked off.

A doctor approached us and I had the worst sense of trepidation ever. I just knew it was not good news.

He had that professional look doctors wear when they have something serious to say to their patients. We both rose up as he got to us. He was grim faced.

‘How’s she?’ We chorused.

‘I think you should go in and say your goodbyes’.

He turned around as Titi and I impulsively hugged each other and allowed the tears flow.

(c)

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